Monday, June 20, 2011

Life on Hold

My life is on hold, I try to make plans but I end up having to cancel. My kids are bored to tears, I am sure this is the worst Summer vacation ever for them. My life revolves around my mom right now.  I am more than happy to go see her, I am so glad I am able to see her and that she is alive. It's just so hard on me right now, and my family, her family (the rest of them) isn't here. They are able to go live it up day after day, go out to the club, go hike the wonderful Hawaiian island, go to dinner, sleep well at night, see friends etc.  Me? Not a chance. I try to make plans to see friends, and the night before I get a call, she's crying. She wants me to come in the morning. She is having a really really hard time right now and I am the only one who "cares". I get calls all hours of the day and night and it's an inconvience for them when she calls. How you can go without calling/seeing your own mom/wife is beyond me, especially after all of this. 

Strokes suck. They take away the person you knew and replace them with someone who may or may not remember you (thankfully she does know who we are) and it damages their brains and body. I can't even imagine going from 100% independent and living alone to having to be in a long term care/nursing home by myself and unable to function by myself. Having to relearn to swallow, chew, drink, eat, speak and even walk in some cases has to be mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.  I know for me it is and I have the easy side of this. However anyone who has been a caregiver knows, this its not so easy either.

Today my phone has rang over 11 times today since 7 am. She called to find out when I was coming, even though she asked me at 10:30 last night. So I tell her, then 10 minutes later she calls and asks again, what time am I coming.  The she begins to cry.  She hurts, her leg and knee hurts, she wants me to be there now and I can't.  Visiting hours do not start until 10, but time makes no difference.  The part of the brain that understands time, isn't functioning correctly. 

She has come so far since her stroke, but I don't think she truly understands.  She almost died, her body had started shutting down.  It was a matter of time, the doctors and nurses were telling us it's time for hospice. I mean can you imagine sitting there listening to this but praying they are wrong but deep down you feel it's true? She's in a coma, she suffered another (minor this time) stroke while in the coma and the swelling of her brain was to much. She stayed this way for about a week, and we flew my family over to GA because I wanted them to see her before it was over. Then a miracle happened, I have no doubt in my mind it was a miracle. She went from completely non responsive in over a week to responding on a Thurs morning.  She began to open her eyes, squeeze our hands again.  What a joyous occasion, since literally the day before my family had to sit down and discuss funeral arrangements, burial, what to do with the house, her things etc. 

Our lives were on hold that month she was in the ICU following her stroke. The she started getting better, she started trying to talk more and got more responsive. It truly felt surreal. No one quite understands, because it's easy to say, oh you lost faith.  No, we did not. I still prayed she would make it through, but when every doctor that came in to see her, said she was going to die since she did not have the surgery and there was nothing they could do for her you process the information and have to accept what is coming. Unless you've been in this situation, there is no way to understand it, so please don't say something stupid like, well you lost faith. 

So yes my life is on hold right now. I never know what each day will bring, as I try to plan and try to be there for her.  I need a break like you wouldn't believe, but I have no one to take over. My kids need fun, need to feel like they are still important and they are, but I know they feel left out right now. I am isolated, most people will never, ever understand what I am going through, which means I have no one to talk to who "gets it".  Though I truly hope they never have to experience this either. 

Life.....on hold

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Picture Fun

Yes it's been awhile since I blogged, no I am not going to get in to why right now. To much on my plate, stress, overwhelming life, isolation etc.  I will be back to post about life soon but right now I live it everyday and no need to post about it as well.

This yr we're tightening the purse strings as much as we can with all the crazy we have going on so I needed something for Father's Day for DH.  I decided I would do the DAD photos that I see so many doing.  Hopefully they turn out OK in print, you just never know. 

I couldn't get the munchkin to look at me and hold the letter right, so this will do and I actually think its quite a cute pic.  So these pics in a frame will be DH Father's Day present.  He wants updated pics of the girls, so I think this will fit the bill nicely.

Oh and yes I made those letters :)

Grr and I just realized I left the time date stamp on the camera when I took them, oh well!