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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Empty

That is how I feel right now. This month started off pretty good, but turned out to be not so great. Most people I know do not know this but we have been TTC for about 13 months now, we finally did conceive in Jan. I tested Feb 2 and it came up positive right away...so happy and scared because it had taken so long. We didn't have that issue with the girls, so the fact it took more than a couple months really threw us for a loop.

The first two weeks I was miserable feeling, morning sickness, tired, achy and grumpy. ALL of the things you really want to be when you are pregnant after trying for so long. A week after I tested positive, I had LIGHT one time spotting, though ok no big deal, probably implantation. Went to my ob/gyn on Feb 12 and told her, she also mentioned she saw some pink when doing the exam. Ok but she didn't really seem worried but did want me to go get my hcg levels checked out 2 times.

So on the 13th I went up and had my blood work done, the weekend progressed and the spotting started.....by Sunday it was more red than pink or brown. This is not normally a good sign, but I was trying to remain positive since I had read alot online about how people spotted even red and still things turned out fine. Called my dr Monday morning and they said to go straight in and get my blood work done, plus I ended up having to go a 2nd time that day so I could go back Tues morning and get a Rhogam shot, since I am A negative. Well Tues cramps started up and pretty much put me in bed, hubby had to come home from work and call the dr. They got my results back and it wasn't good. My levels on Friday had been about 1000 (which is not great for 6 weeks) and then on Monday they were down to 634. The dr asked me to come in first thing Wed morning.

Basically it was just a visit for her to tell me I was miscarrying unfortunately. She gave me some meds to help speed up the process, some pain meds in case the cramps worsened plus some antibiotics. Then told me I had to get my hcg levels checked again this week, to insure they were continuing to go down. If not then I guess a D & C would be scheduled....the pills seemed to have " worked" I am guessing. The bleeding has stopped and I just feel empty now.... hard to believe just a short couple weeks ago I was excited about our little one to complete our family. Now it's over.

Last week was awful, I literally stayed in bed everyday all day long, luckily dh was able to work from home and really didn't miss to much work. I was very depressed and sad and cried alot and still do at times when I let my mind dwell on it. Some days are better than others, and on Oct 9 this yr, I know that I will be sad and it will take time to heal.

I am thankful for the support from my family and friends because they truly helped me get through this all. So the next question is, are we going to try again, soon, later, months from now etc....to this I have no answer. Time will only tell.

2 comments:

Alexandria said...

Oh hun. I am so completely sorry you have had to go through this *hugs tightly* I pray that you start feeling whole again and that if and when you and your DH start TTC, all will work out beautifully.

Ambitious Blonde said...

Thanks so much hun, life does suck sometimes but I am trying to get better and move forward. :)