Monday, May 17, 2010

Living in a Foggy Daze

I have been in a foggy daze since Kaitlyn's birth.  I thought for sure it was because of the pain pills, but I've been off of them for about 5 days or more so I don't think it's related.  I do think know I am way overwhelmed at Kaitlyn's diagnosis, the thoughts of all the things that could go affect her later in life or even in the next few months.  The fact I don't really know much more 9 days after she was born than I did after finding out she had lipomyelomeningocele  (further known as LMC).  I don't think there has been a day since she was born I haven't had a breakdown at some point in the day and my poor husband has no idea what to do for me, other than tell me he loves me and things are going to be OK.  I want to believe they will be OK but until I talk to the neurosurgeon at UAB in June I don't feel I can process this all enough to really believe things will be OK. 

I need to call and make an appointment for a 2 week checkup with my OB and I will talk to her about my feelings and see if she thinks it's PPD related or if I am just having anxiety about the diagnosis etc. I don't know that I am depressed per se, but I am down at times, happy at times, sad at times  and mostly scared of something happening to Kaitlyn. I am in total agreement with the statement, you never think something is going to be "wrong" with your child. I don't feel there is something "wrong" with Kaitlyn in my eyes, just that she has a medical condition that needs more attention.

On the plus side, she's doing well adjusting to being home. I am slowly getting more comfortable handling her, though I am still nervous I could hurt her by sitting her down wrong or putting her diaper on to tight, etc. Her big sisters love her to death and they always want to hold and feed her. Plus they can't wait til she's bigger so they can play with her. We did get a call today from the pediatrician because the levels of her thyroid test came in a little high, so dh took her in this afternoon to get retested.  I hope they were just a fluke high, the nurse did say that it was possible and they could be just fine today.  I really pray they are, because I honestly don't know if I can handle anything else right now.

In the midst of all this I do realize how lucky we are, because I know the diagnosis could have been worse and she could have needed surgery immediately after being born among many other things.  I have wonderful friends who have offered to help in any way they can, babysitting, meals, coming over to just chat etc and knowing I have such tremendous friends, is a god send. I may not need them right this minute, but in the coming months after our trip to UAB, scheduling surgery and such I know they will still be there for me. For that I am very thankful and grateful.


d e v a n said...

I'm sorry you are overwhelmed! We really are here for you, just say the word. :)

Jen said...

Sorry that things are so overwhelming right now. You know if you need anything I will be there in an instant. Even if it's just someone to talk to - I'll even pick up Starbucks on my way ;)

Nicole said...

Don't worry so much about hurting her. LMC doesn't work that way. Right now everything is insulated with fat. My son even played full contact football before his lipoma was removed. (He went undiagnosed til he was 12).

I know it's shocking and scary, but just love, cuddle and play with baby Kaitlyn.

Ambitious Blonde said...

Thanks Devan & Jen, I know you guys are more than willing to help. I just wish I knew "what" I needed..ya know?

Wow Nicole, that's awesome! I am so glad to have found you via the SBC forum. I am glad to know she's not quite as fragile as I think she is. I think it's the unknown that makes it so scary.

Mommy Attorney said...

I'm sorry things are so rough. It's hard enough with a newborn, but adding in an unexpected and scary diagnosis! I can't imagine. Let me know if you need anything!

Alex said...

Hey beautiful

Im sending you some hugs, love and prayers. I hope things get better and you're able to not feel so overwhelmed. In my opinion though, it's completely understandable. I know that doesn't help, but I think you have reason to feel that way. It's better than not knowing why you feel like that.