Remembering

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day to remember those babies that are in Heaven that one day we will meet.  I know so many who have lost babies during their pregnancy, some early on and some quite late, and no matter the time, it hurts. I struggle with this even today because not only is it an awareness day, it is also the date my angel baby would have turned 1.  You see today was my EDD for the baby I lost in Feb. 2009. Last year on Oct. 15, I stayed in bed mourning the baby that should have been all day (though I was pregnant with Kaitlyn at this time) because even though we were lucky enough to go on to have another baby, it still hurt.

I can remember the day so clearly that I was sitting at the doctors office waiting for confirmation that I was indeed miscarrying and in walked a very pregnant woman.  It was all I could do to NOT run out of there crying. I went up to the front desk and asked them how much longer it would be and she was quite rude ( I don't think she works there anymore) and said I didn't have an appointment they would have to work me in. I went back and sat down and one of my favorite nurses came and took me back.  She apologized for the rude lady, she knew why I was there, she told me the doctor would be in soon. 

As I sat there waiting I wanted to get up and go to the front desk and ask that lady had she ever lost a baby that she had been trying for a year to have and then have to sit in a waiting room full of  people that were pregnant or holding newborns? Because if not, then she has no idea what it's like.  It's like someone taking a knife and stabbing you in the heart and twisting over and over. You cry, you are sad, you are mad and don't want to be around people who are pregnant or have newborns. You don't care they are happy or so uncomfortable because they are ready to pop, because at that moment you would do ANYTHING to be that happy or uncomfortable if it meant your baby was still alive.

A friend of mine recently went in for their 20 week ultrasound and to find out if they were having a boy or a girl.  While it was a surprise baby they were happy and excited to find out if they would be adding another boy or a 4th girl. Unfortunately there was no heartbeat found for the little boy during the ultrasound. Even with my own loss I can't imagine going in at 20 weeks and finding out my baby had died. I just want to hug her and let her know I am here.  Anyone who has lost a baby will tell you there are no real words of comfort at this point. Just knowing there are friends there for you in case you want to talk or need someone to watch the other kids while you grieve is what you want, what you need. 

So today I am remembering my little angel in Heaven along with all my friends and their angels.