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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Feeling Down

Life is hard, sometimes it just sucks and I mean really sucks. This is one of those times. I thought I had been doing better, I went to the baby shower for about 12 moms from my group. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't to bad, there wasn't too much baby talk (surprising I know) and I tried to occupy myself with other talk anyways. However this week has been hard and it's just Wed. However I know the next shower I will not be able to attend, it would have been the one that included me.

Monday night I attended a meet n greet with some ladies who want to join our group. Unfortunately they all have had in the last 6 months a baby or were preg... plus there were 2 other preg mommies there. It wasn't to bad until they started talking babies, being pregnant, birth etc. I really thought I might have to get up and leave. What set this off you ask? Well earlier in the day someone posted in our Monday check in thread, they were pg. I wasn't expecting to come across an ultrasound pic, so it kinda surprised me. We have a expecting moms thread, that people usually use to announce their pregancies....and I have been avoiding it. I noticed it's been bumped up quite a bit.

Monday night as I lay in bed, it finally hit me. I lost it and couldn't quit crying and wishing things had been different. Why couldn't I be the one announcing my pregancy, that we tried for and waited patiently for, for so long? I went through the whole it's not fair, what did I do wrong to cause the miscarriage etc etc. Thankfully hubby is very supportive and though he doesn't fully understand how I feel, he's there for me.

Tuesday I was hoping would be better, but it seemed to be tons of announcements about new pregnancies, babies being born etc... and it just sucks. I want to be happy for them, I really do, but it's so hard when their due dates are around the same as mine would have been. I don't how long this bitterness, sadness and jealouness will last...but I hope not forever.

Today I recieved a phone call from my ob/gyn office.....to remind me of my appt for tomorrow afternoon. I would have been 10 weeks and going for a dating ultrasound etc. I don't get to do this and see my little baby's heartbeat.....I told them of course I needed to cancel since I had miscarried a couple weeks ago. Of course she said she was sorry and hung up. I had meant to cancel the appt, however that slipped my mind.

I am trying to not think about these things, do things with the kids, go to playdates etc. It's so hard though, when it seems everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby. I guess I still need more time to heal.

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